Queen of Southbeach, aging blues

Sometimes the worst nightmares are the ones where you are awake. You're constantly grappling with these demons who haunt you in your dreams yet in the daylight, they take the form of people you know. So unlike a nightmare, where you can run screaming in the opposite direction, in real life you need to take a good look around and figure out who your monsters are first.

And then you can start running.

My recurring nightmare is the one where I seem to meet someone who amidst all the other boys, takes my breath away just a little bit. I can't explain it, it's not even really anything that happens between us but maybe just this simple familiarity that you have from the start with only very few? And then before my eyes the monsters come and they drag that person away kicking and screaming.

And then he looks back and starts screaming because suddenly, I am his monster.

I hate that dream. It's happened a few times, and each time the lead up gets briefer but it leaves me feeling a little more unsettled than before.

But if there's one thing I value, it's integrity. People without integrity lie low with the demons that torment us and I truly wish that more people would have the guts to say what's on their mind.
If you feel a certain away or you make a decision, have the decency to own it. Because otherwise, we will all slowly slip away and it's never easy to come back.

Closure is underrated. Even one minute men should know that.

Labels: my worst nightmare

the voices in my head are singing 12:00 am

I am so satisfied right now. life is truly a can of peaches and this time, this time there aren't any worms inside.

the voices in my head are singing 12:11 am

So Valentines 2011 came and went, and I survived it! I've never been upset about being single on this day because I genuinely believe that unless I'm with someone that makes my heart skip a beat each and everytime I see him, I'd rather be alone.
Being alone isn't that bad at all, and contrary to what all the romance novels/movies/dramas tell you, it's pretty damn satisfying and life CAN be complete without your other half.

Yet I missed someone today, someone who hasn't been in my life as a special someone for that long, but came to play an important part nonetheless. Sometimes I question why things happen the way they do, but I hold on to my faith and hope beyond rainbows that one day I will see the bigger picture.
I had dinner with the best friends today and it was lovely, from the high-end Japanese food to the VIP treatment to the wonderful company and the comfort of knowing that these AMAZING individuals always got my back.
But here and there, I kept looking to my side and wishing that he was sitting next to me. Just maybe once or twice, I thought maybe, it would've been nice to share this not-so-special day with this newly-special boy but I guess certain things are not meant to be.

But still, if only we could've given things a proper shot. It never ceases to amaze me how some people are so scared of getting hurt, that they'd rather risk losing out on something potentially good. But then I take solace in the fact that if they really were the 'one', then they'd probably wanna fight a bit more to stay with me, so I guess at the end of the day it's just a case of he just not being that into me.

Kinda sucks when I think of him grabbing coffee with some other girl tonight, and even though he was never mine to begin with, it felt painful. Ah well, I wish him well. He deserves good things, and if I cannot be the one to give them to him then I hope he finds someone who will.

I'm thankful for my family, my ridiculously lovely friends, my loyal and loving dog, my job, my health and everything that I'm blessed with in general. So today, I celebrate loving my life, but I hope next year brings me a little more.

I still believe in love. It's going to come, some day, right? Or will it always be pulled away just before I start to think that maybe, this time, I could fall madly deeply in love with someone.

It's too early to cry over you, and I'm glad I kept my heart safe but damn, I wish we could've tried.

the voices in my head are singing 4:11 am

It's ridiculous how the years fly by. And it's even scarier how the corporate world rips away our freedom to do simple things like blogging without feeling the guilt of wasting your time.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I can be guilty of spending endless unnecessary hours on facebook, either profile surfing or playing scrabble, but there's something unnerving about disclosing your personal feelings online via your blog that seems too taboo nowadays. Maybe it's cos we take it for granted that we have the privacy of the inactive pseudo living-dead online world, or maybe it's cos we're too skeptical to even fathom the idea that someone we know might even bother to come and read what we've vomited out for the day. But all I know is that when I let go online, I genuinely feel unburdened. So i'm gonna do this again. I actually started writing one last week, but then i deleted it because I guess somethings are really just better off said in our head.

So hello virtual world. Will you be nicer to me than the real world was? Do you promise not to tease me, and make me hope before just ripping it all away just cause you feel like it? I trust that you'll play nice. Humans are the ones that we should beware of, surprisingly.

And no, I'm not jaded, yet. I'm still the same ridiculously optimistic girl I've always been but this time, next time, I'm not gonna let my guard down so easily. Because if even someone you really thought you knew well enough can hurt you, not be very nice about it, and then walk away as if it didn't mean anything to them, that's GOTTA teach me that life's a bitch so I really gotta start being more of one myself. It's just self-preservation.

So i'm gonna LEARN that bitter lesson for once in my life, and never let it happen again.

It's a Sunday. 2 weeks ago, i was in KL, happy and pretty much satisfied. One week ago, I was crying my eyes out at how things could change so fast. Today, i sit here numb, and unaffected, believing fervently that the people that are worth your time, shouldn't make you feel like shit. Which is an easy enough rule to follow, no?

So lets see if I can do better this time.

the voices in my head are singing 3:46 pm

wow. its been AGES since i blogged. my lappy crashed last year, and i just hadn't gotten around to buying one till a few days ago. i need my vaio, i love those sexy little things. BUT due to my joblessness tai-tai delirium, i couldnt afford one till recently! but woo HOO i finally have a lappy again. GOOD GOD it feels ridiculously amazing to have this little box of amusement, to play and plod with whenever i want.

i was reading some of the older entries, (ok so technically they're ALL old now) but wow. even on this same page, everythings so outdated! its back in the iceage, when i met my hameni AND sal??? and also, hameni with only one i? HAH. ok eli and sal, you're probably the only one getting this. heh:D

ok so im off to bed now. mwaaah.

Labels: guess who's back from the dead?

the voices in my head are singing 3:38 am

one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away

both under influense
we had demons in
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

one night of magic rush
the start of simple touch
one night to push and scream
and make believes.

ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

and you, you knew you had to fight devil
and you, kept us away with wolf teeths
sharing different heartbeats
in one night

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

the voices in my head are singing 9:22 am

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

A Little bit of love, little bit of love

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I waste everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

the voices in my head are singing 6:18 am

i wish people were like jigsaw puzzles sometimes..where i could piece together all the different things i want and make the perfect fit. i half wonder sometimes whether i belong here. i dont think i do actually, i think i'm physically here, but my mind and soul is somewhere else, aimless, homeless, and looking for me. heh. it sounds crazy, maybe, but i just dont think i belong in a place where things are dispensable,people are inconsistent and the stars make me want to escape from earth.

i dont belong here, i think im alien.

the voices in my head are singing 7:55 pm

sometimes we need to swallow our pride and just allow ourselves to get hurt, if it means saving someone else

the voices in my head are singing 8:15 am

met up wit my hameni and sal yesterday for a while, and we went to see farhahn at butter, they were havin the electrico gig and damn, i think im a fan. (as far as lazy fans who dont bother buying the cds go) then the three of us seperated our ways cos i was considering meeting up with the friends but then of course, as i would have predicted if i had been abit smarter, that didnt end up happening. its so weird la..you think you know someone, you think years of friendship should count for sumthing but in the end, it really doesnt. people arent always what or who they seem to be, and i think that when u realise that, its time to step away, otherwise you end up being an idiot for believing in something that's just not really there anymore.

was supposed to meet mal and kaartsy and ragi at outback yesterday but i ended up finishing late, so i didnt. i miss my thomson girlssss, cant wait to see them soooon:)

this weekend tempts me with all its whirlwind-fantasy promises but i think i'll pass, i need to get down to doing the things im supposed to. noone's home now, so i think i'm gonna order in some food or make a salad, and then sit down and watch a movie. its time for 'me' time again, yay.

have a greeaaaattt trip in baliiiii hameniiiii! when ya back, we have an impending double date *giggles* hahahaha lurplurp.

i'm off now, i shall be back.

the voices in my head are singing 3:59 pm